Panicked's Journals

Everything Is Just Wonderful - Lily Allen

LILY ALLEN LYRICS

"Everything's Just Wonderful"

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling outta control and it's inevitable,
Now don't you think,
This time is yours, this time is mine,
Its temperamental,
It seems to me, we're on all fours,
Crawling on our knees,
Someone help us please

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
Well it's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

[Chorus]
Oh yeah, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here,
And don't you feel it's all the same,
Some sick game and it's not insincere,
I wish I could change the ways of the world,
Make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay,
Doing what we do
Screwing who we screw

Why can't I sleep at night,
Don't say it's gonna be alright,
I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognaise,
and not feel bad about it for days and days and days.
In the magazines they talk about weight loss,
If I buy those jeans I can look like Kate Moss,
Oh no it's not the life I chose,
But I guess that's the way that things go,

[Chorus x2]

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba [etc.]

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
Well it's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

[Chorus x2]

Call Me When Your Sober video/lyrics

Call Me When Your Sober by Evanescence
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Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

12 Steps To Surviving Valentines Day

12 step guide to surviving Feb. 14 without ripping your hair out - or other people's hair, for that matter!

1. Wear black, and lots of it.

2. If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional.

3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins.

4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway).

4. For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.

5. Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex.

6. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date.

7. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping" or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day.

8. Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar.

9. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.

10. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair.

11. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good Valentines Day.

12. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next Valentine's Day.

Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge

SHE WANTS REVENGE LYRICS

Tear You Apart

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her
Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped
But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light
When she walked in, he throws up, believe its the fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear

I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

10 funny answering machine messages

FUN
ANSWERING
MACHINE
MESSAGES
II

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Agent 83.2. Your contact, Agent 33.5, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Agent 83.2.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Smiley's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

You have reached the Potato chapter of the Idaho Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it...

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

The difference between little girls and little guys...

"All Men Are Created Equal"
...but not little boys and little girls.

You throw a little girl a ball, and it will
probably hit her in the nose.

You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it.
Then it will hit him in the nose.

You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best,
and she'll look just as pretty when you finally
make it to church an hour later.

You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll
somehow find every mud puddle from your home
to the church, even if you're driving there.

Boys' rooms are usually messy.

Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.

A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in
wonderment at what nature has made.

A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they
like to dress them up and play house with them.

When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls,
they like to tear off their appendages.

Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly.

If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short,
girls would rather lock themselves in their
room for two weeks than be seen in public.

Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting their face.

Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.

If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.

If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it
with a dozen fake belches.

Boys grow their fingernails long because
they're too lazy to cut them.

Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look
nice -but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.

At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.

By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad
kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

Most baby girls talk before boys do.

Before boys talk, they learn how
to make machine-gun noises.

Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.

Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've
watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
movie three times in a row.

Little girls turn into women.

Little boys turn into bigger boys.

A Puzzle for ya

What Do You Think It Is?

Here's A Puzzle for You:

Schwartznegger has a big one,

Michael J. Fox has a small one,

Madonna doesn't have one,

The pope has one but doesn't use it,

Clinton uses his all the time,

what is it?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
A last name.........
Were you thinking of something else?

Why God Made Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently
become lost in the garden because he would
not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require
someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy
himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would
therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a
doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night
to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men
would never be able to handle the pain and
discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the
garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be
alone."

And, finally, the Number 1 reason why
God created Eve....

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He
stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can
do better than that!"

Cat Rules

Cat Commandments

Simple rules for felines to live by...

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the computer.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.
Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not jump onto a seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Listen Up guys (or girls)!!!

Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off (this is directed at YOU Ne-Yo...).

You're just upset because your
butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it.
What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult
the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl
of bitch flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding?
We both know that thing ain't loaded.