Oh Jesus, Christ Almighty. Do I feel alright? No, not slightly.

Call Me When Your Sober by Evanescence
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

12 step guide to surviving Feb. 14 without ripping your hair out - or other people's hair, for that matter!

1. Wear black, and lots of it.

2. If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional.

3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins.

4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway).

4. For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.

5. Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex.

6. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date.

7. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping" or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day.

8. Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar.

9. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.

10. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair.

11. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good Valentines Day.

12. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next Valentine's Day.

SHE WANTS REVENGE LYRICS

Tear You Apart


Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her
Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped
But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light
When she walked in, he throws up, believe its the fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear

I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

FUN
ANSWERING
MACHINE
MESSAGES
II

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Agent 83.2. Your contact, Agent 33.5, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds.  Good Luck, Agent 83.2.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?  Sure... I knew you could.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Smiley's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

You have reached the Potato chapter of the Idaho Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it...

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

"All Men Are Created Equal"
...but not little boys and little girls.

You throw a little girl a ball, and it will
probably hit her in the nose.

You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it.
Then it will hit him in the nose.

You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best,
and she'll look just as pretty when you finally
make it to church an hour later.

You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll
 somehow find every mud puddle from your home
to the church, even if you're driving there.

Boys' rooms are usually messy.

Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.

A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in
wonderment at what nature has made.

A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they
like to dress them up and play house with them.

When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls,
they like to tear off their appendages.

Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly.

If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short,
girls would rather lock themselves in their
room for two weeks than be seen in public.

Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting their face.

Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.

If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.

If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it
with a dozen fake belches.

Boys grow their fingernails long because
they're too lazy to cut them.

Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look
nice -but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.

At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.

By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad
kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

Most baby girls talk before boys do.

Before boys talk, they learn how
to make machine-gun noises.

Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.

Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've
watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
movie three times in a row.

Little girls turn into women.

Little boys turn into bigger boys.

What Do You Think It Is?

Here's A Puzzle for You:

Schwartznegger has a big one,

Michael J. Fox has a small one,

Madonna doesn't have one,

The pope has one but doesn't use it,

Clinton uses his all the time,

what is it?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
A last name.........
Were you thinking of something else?

Why God Made Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently
become lost in the garden because he would
not ask for directions. 

9. God knew that one day Adam would require
someone to locate and hand him the remote. 

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy
himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would
therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a
doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself. 

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night
to put the garbage on the curb. 

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men
would never be able to handle the pain and
discomfort of childbearing. 

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools. 

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the
garden. 

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be
alone." 

And, finally, the Number 1 reason why
God created Eve.... 

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He
stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can
do better than that!"

Cat Commandments
 
Simple rules for felines to live by...

• Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the computer.
   

• Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
   

• Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
   

• Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.

• Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
   

• Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
   

• Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

• Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.
   

• Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
   

• Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
   

• Thou shalt not jump onto a seat just as thy human is sitting down.

• Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
   

• Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
   

• Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

• Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
   

• Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

This is what guys really mean when they says things. Bastards...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
pretty darn soon."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
it will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."

Ways To Confuse Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some
milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he
              shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute
                  changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes
                back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Only In America!

Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a "diet" coke.

Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved
this riddle, but only 5% of Stanford
graduates figured it out!
Can you answer the following question?

1. The word has seven letters...
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it...
7. If you eat it, you will die!

Did you figure it out?

Try hard before looking at the
answers Did you get it yet??

...Give up?
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Brace yourself for the answer....
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
The Answer is: NOTHING!

NOTHING has 7 letters

NOTHING preceded God

NOTHING is greater than God

NOTHING is more Evil than the devil

All poor people have NOTHING

Wealthy people need NOTHING

If you eat NOTHING, you will die

Don't feel bad - I have to admit that
I couldn't solve it either and
had to look at the answer.

Female Comebacks!

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

God in the Classroom

An interesting test!!!

Dog
Cat
Rat
Coffee
Ocean

***************************************************************
Chapter III : Think of somebody (who also knows you) that you can relate to the following colours:
Please don't repeat your answer twice. Name only one person for each colour.

Yellow
Orange
Red
White
Green

************************************************************
Chapter IV : Finally, indicate your favourite number and favorite day.

*************************************************************

Are you done???? Make sure your answers are what you TRULY feel....... Last chance............ See interpretations below :

But before going on, just make one wish.......

**************************************************************

Chapter I : This will define your priorities in life

Cow means career
Tiger means pride
Sheep means love
Horse means family
Monkey means money

**************************************************************

Chapter II : Your description of Dog implies your own personality

Your description of Cat implies your partner's personality
Your description of Rat implies your enemy's personality
Your description of Coffee is how you interpret sex
Your description of Ocean implies your own life

******************************************************************

Chapter III :
Yellow - somebody who will never forget you
Orange - someone whom you can consider as your real friend
Red - someone you really love
White - your solute
Green - a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life

*********************************************************************

Chapter IV : Your favourite number will be the number of persons you will be sending this test to and the favorite day will be the day that your wish will come true!

The Melting Princess

Once upon a time...
There lived a king. The King had a
beautiful daughter, the Princess.

But the kingdom was a sad place.
There was no laughter, and no joy.
The problem was, that
everything the Princess touched would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood...
anthing she touched would melt!!

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his
beautiful daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."

The King was overjoyed. The next
day, he held a competition. Any man
who could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt at her
touch, would marry her and inherit
the King's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first Prince brought a very hard
alloy of titanium.
When the Princess touched it, it
melted. The Prince went away sadly.
The second Prince brought a huge
diamond, thinking that diamond is
the hardest substance in the world
and will not melt.

But, alas, once the Princess touched
it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He
told the Princess, "Put your hand
in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held
it in her hand...and it did not melt!!
The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!

And the third Prince married the
Princess and the both lived
happily ever after.

The question is?!?!?!?

What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
They were M&M's, of course.
THEY melt in your MOUTH,
NOT in your HAND!!

(What were YOU thinking?)

Did this make you smile?
Then send this practical joke on to your friends!
See if they think the same thing as you did :-)

Top 10
DUMBEST CRIMINALS

RUNNER-UP #9

Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

RUNNER-UP #8

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP #7

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

RUNNER-UP #6

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

RUNNER-UP #5

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP #4

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

RUNNER-UP #3

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

RUNNER-UP #2

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. 

RUNNER-UP #1

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

THE WINNER!

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.